I remember back when our mom used to have these weird family get-togethers at a rented cottage by the lake, our (alleged) uncle would always be causing the most ridiculous antics. Like how he would hammer his bottle tops into stumps and say the stump was worth a dollar in Tuva now, as long as oral tradition doesn’t forget them. Or how he’d manage to lose his hearing aids in his beer bottles… I have no idea how someone can do that.

It was pretty bad one time, the hearing aids were picking up some interference from a local radio station or someone screwing with radio waves, but they ended up making this awful screech that would sometimes turn into recognizable pop songs. Bedford and I were trying to sing along but our mom was getting pissed, trying to get the hearing aids out of the beer bottle because the noise was agitating her. Our uncle just got up and left. I dunno if he just wore new ones after situations like that, or washed them off. Our mom got fed up and went to read a book or sunbathe or something, and it was just Bedford and me (and maybe our grandma?) listening to the weird sounds reverberating from the bottles. I remember Bedford had the bright idea to hold the ends of them in the cat’s ears, so we did, and it went crazy! The cat started speaking English, then it jumped into the fire. That’s how we lost Fluffy Farts II.

When we were kids, Bed and I treated animals’ minds like USB devices. We thought no matter how many you sewed together, as long as they’re connected to the same nervous system the surviving ones will all use the same body. But somewhere along the way to becoming an adult, seven refrigerated mammal and reptile heads sewn on to a cat’s body aren’t going rob want to share it, and they probably don’t want to grab a limb each. What’s more, they probably don’t want to have dead heads sewed on to them. It’s not good for them anyway. I used to take good care of my pets, I’d always make sure they were healthy and had water and shit. But a few of Bedford’s always had rotting heads and shit on them (totally crazy stuff that would never work in the first place too… like a lamb on a chicken body when you already have two dogs connected who are doing fine anyway…) But that’s just maturity for you, like I said. I think this band is a lot like those cute little pets we used to have, and the lessons we learned will teach us a lot. If you put two completely different species in the some body, sometimes they’ll work together, and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they will tear their body in half trying to separate and leave a huge bloody mess all over the floor for me to clean up while their owner is at the mall. But if you give them the right nutrients and shit, everything should be semi-okay, at least.